Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Late Showers & Awesome Nails

I seriously need to update the header up there. The fourth monkey is almost a year and a half now. And she has red hair! Red! Oh so much has happened that I totally want to (but might never get around to) write about. I am the parent of a teenager now. TEENAGER. Clearly this phase is gonna take a lot more duct tape than I had previously imagined. Meanwhile, back at the bat cave, I have found no (legal) method of slowing the cute ones from growing. The baby is walking. Walking. This blows my mind. Along with pop rocks and these cool new nail polish strips my friend Michelle turned me on to. My nails look so cool that I can't stop staring at them. Mind blown. And. AND. That baby? She talks. Gah. I blame the three older sisters for that. Yapping away all day... actually, I blame the three older sisters for all of it! The walking, the talking, the picky eating. It is all their fault. This is why the baby is my favorite. Unless she's spitting peas at me, then the closest one that's not giving me stink eye is my favorite. I tell them all they are my favorite. The two oldest ones finally caught on. What?! I'm just being honest. It would be too much pressure to make one of them my favorite *all* of the time. Can you imagine carrying that umbilical cord, I mean, burden around all your life. No crack or table dancing for that kid. Geesh.

So, now I have to go take a shower because that has become my first daily goal: take a shower before noon. This happens sometimes before my glass of wine and sometimes after, in which case I don't care if it's 2pm 5pm and I'm just getting around to hosing myself off.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

I Am What I Am

I was just at Home Depot (aka: hell). After traversing the whole stupid store, with baby and 3 year old in tow, looking for stucco patch some sales guy wants to sign me up for a "free in-home kitchen remodel estimate." Thinking I would get rid of him, I said, "Ok, but you'll have to follow me up to checkout to get my information." Sadly, he followed me.

He handed me the phone to answer a bunch of questions as I pulled up to the self checkout. I proceeded to answer all the questions and give my information while I checked out my items, kept the 3 year old off the scanner, rocked the baby's stroller, bagged my items and ran my card to pay for everything.

I handed him the phone. He looked at me with an open mouth stare and said, "I have never seen someone multitask like that. That was amazing." To which I said, "What? I'm a mom." and walked away.

Monday, May 10, 2010

The Importance of a Family Vacation is….

The reason I'm writing about this is to enter a contest that will give me a chance to vacation by myself in NYC while attending BlogHer. How awesome would that be? Awesome. But what's more awesome than that? The family vacation!

I am a HUGE cheerleader for two things: family dinners and family vacations. They bring a family together. Having dinner together makes you touch base once a day. Family dinner can make a family feel more like a team in many ways. A family vacation is that times 100. When you take your family out of their everyday setting and everyday distractions, you make the opportunity for everyone to look at each other and the roles we all play in a fresh and new way. Family vacations can be refreshing and relaxing, invigorating and renewing, or a down right disaster. Strangely, the disasters produce the most likely to be told and re-told again stories. Whatever you have planned or whatever ends up happening the end result will be shared experiences. These memories are the glue that bonds a family together. The stories told until you are old and gray. They bring the laughter that follows the story of being pushed into a lake or finding a bear in your camp and running like a baby. (For the record, that was NOT me.)

Family vacations, whether at a resort or at a state campground, are amazing, team building, memory making experiences that are always worth the effort and inevitable exhaustion for which you will need another week to recover from.
I am writing this post to participate in the Golden Inn Resort “What is the importance of a Vacation” sweepstakes for a chance to randomly win a full conference ticket to Blogher 2010. You can learn more about the Jersey Shore Resort and contest at their blog http://www.GoldenInnResort.com/vacationtips.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Potty Training Will Make You A Cripple

Go ahead. Read the books. Blah, blah, blah. They'll talk about timing. They'll tell you about how much your therapy bill will be if you push it on them. They'll write about incentives and not disciplining. Whatever. Like I wrote above, blah, blah, blah. Do you think they'd dedicate one single page, forget that, paragraph to perhaps the most important part of potty training?

How Not To Become A Cripple: 
strategies for hefting 25-35 lbs of squirming toddler on & off the crapper

Yeah, would someone who writes these books please include a little snippet of proper back care? I mean who gives a crap (yeah, haha...) if your kid is out of diapers if YOU are now in traction?! Who planned this anyway? What, most toilets are around shin-height? Most toddlers are mid-thigh height? You have to bend over just enough that you don't think to use your knees, THEN you have to swing this dead weight of a squirming kid and plop it onto the seat with precision or your extracting the thing from the bowels of the damn flusher. Do I have to say, ewww?

And don't start with the "my kid climbs a stool" or "my kid uses the (disgusting I might add) training potty" because those things do not help you when you are having to find bathrooms all over hell and back in between carpool runs and grocery store trips. EVERYONE has to lift their kid onto the toilet at some point and will have to repeatedly.

So yes. My 2 year old is now potty trained. We had no issues. She didn't cry. She didn't make gross messes all over the place. Nothing terribly disgusting occurred. But I haven't been able to run since November. In runner's years that's like a day away from losing your sanity.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Before It's Too Late...

I don't know. I'm still new in these blogging parts. You all probably get way more emails asking you to sell stuff than I do. I get a few here and there. There's this one for genetic testing that I keep getting. AND they reference the previous email like they are actually keeping track of their attempts to get a hold of me. Whatever. I'm like totally smarter than that. But they tried to get me with this:

Our Genetic Test service has been receiving overwhelming
response from parents who care about their children's

What they should know is I don't care as much about my children's future as I do about my own. As in, I'm just hoping I make it through raising them without going to jail. Know what I mean?

From: AmyAnne
Date: November 18, 2009 9:33:33 PM PST
To: Jane
Subject: Re: Did you receive my previous email?

Oh Hi Jane!

Wow. That sounds cool. I was wondering if we could use this Gene Profile thing on other people. You know, like boyfriends and potential spouses. Well like could you check whether or not someone has the "I leave my socks on the floor" gene or the "when I make a bowl of cereal every single cupboard door will be left open and all the boxes of cereal will be left on the counter for you to put away" gene? Oh man that would rock!

Ok how about this. I actually have an infant as well as a 10 & 6 year old. Now, I'm not so sure this would work with the other two, but how about we test the baby for the "my head spins and I spew out verses from the bible backwards when you ask me to do the dishes" gene. If she has it I totally know a nice couple I met driving through Kansas last year that said they were adopting. Apparently I'm Fertile Myrtle so I could make another one in short order.

Wow, I'm so glad you picked me to test on! My family is going to love this!!

Can't wait to take action with you soon!!

Hugs and kisses,

On Nov 18, 2009, at 9:09 PM, Jane wrote:


Did you receive an email that I sent to you 2 days ago?
In case you miss it, here is the recap >>


I came across your site the other day & I am very impressed
by it. So I decided to contact you.
This is the world's fastest growing industry which is highly
praised by our President, Barack Obama.
Our Genetic Test service has been receiving overwhelming
response from parents who care about their children's
You can join this historic launch now to enjoy the following
Take action now before it is too late to join the launch.

Jane Doe

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Baby Torture - Washing The Blanky

P.S. I thought I'd post the happy ending to all this emotional trauma.

Reunited and it feels so gooooood.....

Saturday, October 31, 2009

This Is For All My Bitches!

Introducing my new hero...