Thursday, June 18, 2009


First, I just want to say I'm all for breastfeeding. Obviously, I mean I fed my little boob suckers for at least 12 months each. I just want to rant a little about the side effects that NO ONE talks about!!

I have a friend that described what your boobs look like after breastfeeding for an extended period of time like this:

"Take a tube sock. Take a golf ball. Hold the tube sock up by the top. Drop the ball in it. That's what your boobs will look like after you give the wonderful gift of breast milk to your children for any length of time."

I laughed the first time I heard this. I had only had one kid at the time. Here I am 5 years and 2 more kids later. SHE IS SO RIGHT!!

I'm totally disgusted. I went bra shopping for the first time since I finished breastfeeding my 3rd child. I was trying on bras... I started at my original size, 36 B.
Too big.

So I went to a 34 B.
Too big.

My breast tissue has flat out (no pun intended) disappeared! I am now a
34 goddamn A!!

What the hell is that?

I just have to say, WTF?! I think formula may have been cheaper than the boob job I'm going to have to get.

Most importantly, considering the missing breast tissue, all the hours spent sitting still while I let someone suck on me like a cow, all the embarrassing mishaps with milk squirting everywhere (front of class, Calc 2 - yeah, that was fun)....I better get TRIPLE Mommy points for this somewhere down the road.


The Mother said...

I am so sorry that you have suddenly reached an all-time breast low.

But I'm afraid it isn't the nursing thing.

It's probably the running thing.

Seriously. Breasts are mostly fat, and when you lose fat, the first, like 20 pounds come off of your breasts.

You could eat your way back to a 36B. Or you could always do what they usually do in sunny California.

Or you could look on the bright side--they won't bounce so much when you run.

nicole said...

i know, i feel your breast loss pain. i still have the skin but no tissue. if i take my bra off i'm flat as a pancake and yet i'm still an "advanced" cup size. it's just wrong!

A Lawyer Mom's Musings said...

I'm with The Mother on this one. And I'm living proof. I've eaten myself into almost a D cup AFTER having breast-fed. Tell you what. If I go on a diet and experience the Nat'l Geographic tube-sock effect, I'll let you know. Sorry, AmyAnne, but I have no sympathy for you skinnies.

And speaking of embarrassing . . . why didn't my mom tell me I'd start de facto nursing like the Niagra Falls the first time Mr. Husband and I snuggled up?

The Mother said...

I could have told you that, Lawyer Mom. But nobody listens to me when I talk. I'm getting used to that from my boys--but then, what did I expect?

Nicole, you could always roll 'em up and stuff your cups.

AmyAnne said...

Roll them up is EXACTLY what I do, Mother! Someone recently referred to their breasts as Platypus boobs. Hello! That's where I am.

Yeah, I know I could start eating some of this baking I've been doing...the problem is my body stores it in my stomach. I would end up watching my belly rolls get bigger than my breasts if I started eating.

I'll stick to the 2 inch padded bras that my husband calls 'cheating' because he can't properly feel me up. Then I show him how I can roll them up and he blanches. Ha!!

Here's to hoping I won't get breast cancer because I have no breast tissue left. Flatties Unite!!

Katey said...

I love how much your posts make me smile.

I have to nod in agreement about the running changing your breasts. Following my several nursing marathons I never went down in chest size and in worse case returned to where I had been prior to the pregnancies. BUT since running and losing so much excess pounds, my teenage daughter is now sporting a larger and more interesting chest. Course my husband is pleased and whereas you are pondering your dream boob job, he is counting the thousands he saved on the breast reduction I was planning to have in the coming year.

Is our work as a woman EVER done?

So I have come to praise Victoria Secret and their perky lace make-them-look-interesting-again bras.

Wendy said...

Actually, most of this happens during pregnancy. You just don't see it because the hormones keep you all pumped up. The same hormones that allow your hips to spread so far apart during birth also allow your boobs to fall to your naval and disappear.

Work-work-work on those pec exercises and keep them as perky as possible. Perky and small beats large, flabby, and hanging to your naval ANY DAY OF THE WEEK.

That's my theory.