Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Carpool Mafia

It sounds nice in theory. Carpool. What? I only have to drive 1 of my 5 bazillion trips to practice in exchange for picking up a couple other kids on the same team? Ha! Piece of cake.

They suck you in. They tell you about how they were sucking down martinis while you were watching toddlers swing bats at balls like they are still drunk from last night's party. Oh it sounds sweet. It sounds heavenly even, but here is what they don't tell you.

Carpool can be hell. It can be the 15 minutes of hell that keeps you popping Xanax for 3 days before and 3 days after. It can be the kind of hell that will get your toilets clean because yes, you'd rather do THAT then drive carpool. One. More. Time.

And try to get out. It's like leaving the mafia. The consequences run deep. Real deep. Who do you offend? The parent? The kid? Both? I'll give you some ideas for getting out of carpool conflict free:
  • Break your leg. 
"Looks like I'll be pulling CC out of carpool so she can fetch my beer for the next six weeks. It's been fun!"
  • Break your kid's leg. 
"Since little Joey can't play football anymore we're gonna' send him to the range instead of the field. You know, to work on more important skills. See you around!"
  • Kill your car. 
"The Mercedes blew a head gasket.  All I have is the Lamborghini."
  • Show up to the front door drunker than shit, fumes coming off you like you were bathing in straight-up vodka when you were supposed to be doing your run. 


Michele said...

I used to drive everyone's kid around because everyone was always asking me, "Since you're there..." One day I realized that these people never drove my kids around, and when I started asking they were all vaguely busy...and were hoping I'd still pick up their kid. Lesson learned.

Now when I'm asked my excuse is that I'm coming from an out-of-the-way place and I have an appointment right after the event, so, sorry, I can't. :-)

You're right about the mafia though. Once you're in, the only way out is injury or to quit the activity. Otherwise they will hunt you down and make your life miserable. :-)

The Mother said...

Your girls are obviously WAY nicer than my boys. NO ONE wanted to carpool with me.

Bad influences, you see.

Apparently genius is just too hard for the other kids to handle. Snort.

dhcoop said...

LOL!!! I'm SOOO glad I'm not in that world anymore!! That's my daughter's world now!

Wendy said...

Hubby is carpooling to work and loves it (it's just two guys) but no way am I getting into this with other WOMEN.

My kid will be late every single time because no one else has their act together, and I will be a basket case.

Woooo. No way. Plus we're not in that much stuff. YET.

A Lawyer Mom's Musings said...

Hmm. A sticky wicket indeed. A hairdresser once told me that if you switched him and went another one and it didn't "work out," to just go back to the first one and tell him you got a bad haircut while you were out of town, or on vacation.

I'm trying to imagine a cross-over solution for these facts . . . but it's just not coming to me. Hmm.

Wait! H1N1! That's the ticket. Tell them it's unconfirmed but you're acting out of an abundance of caution. Except, err, the school might hear about it and then. . . . (wheels turning slowly) . . . well, let me give this some thought.

Zoe Right said...

I like to listen to rap music- somehow after a little Easy-E's got b***ch's galore- you get excused.

Odd I know.