Wednesday, October 21, 2009

A Letter: Your Vagina, The Highway of Life

So, I've been a slacker blogger lately. Whatever. Want some excuses? I have 3. 4 if you count the husband. I did have time for some correspondence between my oldest sister and I after she harassed me with texts because she has pregnancy amnesia but wants to help her friend who finds herself recently up a pole.

I'm gonna share because I want credit for doing something other than wiping asses and slamming baby feet in car doors. So here's one for the new parents to be out there...


Subject: (unsolicited) advice from someone you don't really know - get used to it
From: Amy Talley-Klotz
Date: October 13, 2009 3:56:45 PM PDT
To: Ann-Marie

Ann-Marie - Here. I wrote this for Amy. Might post it on the blog, but if you think her humor/current state of mind can handle my deranged humor and magnificent insight pass it on. You are being a great friend to her and that's like totally awesome.

Hi Amy,

I am a stranger, I think. I don't remember meeting you, but you know my sister very well and I totally know her so we are almost like acquaintances of some kind. Anyway, we both have vaginae and uteri, I used mine 3 times to grow big whining pooping talking things and you are using yours for the first time.

Ann-Marie is worried about you. She's texting me for help on morning sickness and the likes and I'm totally glad to answer her/your questions but I felt compelled to write you a note because that's how I roll. Most of the time. Sometimes I don't answer the phone or the door or anything but sometimes I'm strangely free with my communication. Like right now.

Anyhow, what qualifies me? Well, I'm a recovering Type A with 3 kids. I had 1 c-section and 2 VBACs. That last term sounds scary, but really it just means I squirted birthed the second 2 out the hard right natural way and had the first one ripped out of my abdomen c-section. If you ask I'll give you my take on the difference between the 2 tactics options.

You may just be freaking out and coming to terms with your situation condition. I did the typical Type A thing of taking 42 pregnancy tests and then proceeded to chart and figure out what, why, HOW this could have happened. And I'd been married 6 years by then, you think I'd have known. After that I went into the 'planning' phase which included a 7 page birth plan. Yeah. I told you about me, didn't I? (Later I was told by my OTHER sister, the nurse, that the hospital staff laughs mercilessly at such nonsense and it pretty much always ends up the opposite of intended plan, as mine did.) But 10 years and 3 children later, I'm here to say, the birth which even if it lasts forever goes on for the total allotted 24 hrs WILL END. Not only will it end but in the grand scheme of things - that being the fact that you will be shackled FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE to this blood sucking alien new beautiful person - the actual birth will in fact be a mere wrinkle in the sphincter of time.

Did you hear me say that? That's a hard concept to contemplate as you are about to offer up your who-ha to the highway of life for the very first time. But believe me when I say...The actual birth is a mere millisecond in the whole scheme of things.

Once you get your brain wrapped around that remember this: Your body will do everything in its power to protect that baby from the stupidity of the parent anything that could go wrong with your body. So, lunch meats, pesticides, raves, heavy drug use...yes, be prudent, but you are more likely to come out damaged than that bundle of cells in there. I promise. That's how we are designed. So just make yourself as comfortable as you can while inflicting the most the least damage you can on the asshole loved one who is there to support you.

Also, when the due date looms, here's a little trick: circle a date a full 2 weeks out from whatever the Dr. tells you. Just do it. Convince yourself that is the date. Roll your eyes and ignore the Dr. when she says stuff like, "You're thinning out!" or "Your dilated to a 3!" It's all just a trick to give you a reason to live false hope something to talk about during the last couple of weeks. But if you convince yourself there is even longer to wait then, when you suddenly go into labor a week and half early you are STOKED that your new baby had the decency to give you a break right from the get go.

Oh and one more thing. The hospital and the Dr. absolutely do not, I repeat DO NOT want to kill you or harm you or the baby in any way. In fact they would really prefer if you remained a nameless number where nothing significant (that you can sue them for) happened in any way. Except the significance of the miracle of birth and all that, of course.

So what I'm saying is that in retrospect, if I had known everything I know now I would have spent more time hanging out with the worst babies in the whole world. I would have hunted down the colicy, puking, poo spewing, screaming infants and made myself hang out with them and their wrecked parents so that I could have spent more time enjoying my own little bundles for the goodness they offered instead of worrying what might be around the corner. Also, I wouldn't have wasted more than 10 minutes on researching the whole "birthing" process. I mean, it's a process. We have it down, pretty much, after like a gazillion years of evolution and research and questionable experiments back in the dark ages.

All that said, buckle up, hold on and try your best to enjoy this ride. It's like a roller coaster from the Twilight Zone, never ending, strangely electrifying, terrifying and exciting all in one.

Write or call me anytime. Really. Or not, if you're scare of me now. I'll try hard not to stalk you because just writing this letter makes me want to do it all again. Oh the baby head smell...the warm snuggles...the first smile. Quick, someone smack me!

Good luck and get ready to kick some ass!!
Amy :-)

P.S. I have 3 models you can try out if you like. All girls ages 2, 6, 10. I could FedEx any one or all 3 of them free of charge any time you'd like.

P.P.S. It's kind of weird to write a letter to Amy and sign it Amy. It's like writing a letter to myself. Which I mostly never do. Except when I need to remember something really important like when to pick up my kids from school, but I stopped doing that because CPS usually just drops them off for me. We have a system.


The Mother said...

Your models are incomplete. Really. I mean, your oldest version is only 10 and that's not even close to sufficiently vetted.

Research demands complete understanding of the system. I really think that the poor woman deserves fully accurate information.

Therefore, in the interest of science and research and full disclosure, I am enclosing the full version, v15.0. (He dresses funny, but you'll get used to that. Stock waterproof mascara remover).

After spending some time with v15.0, you will have a MUCH better understanding of how the next 18 years of your life will go. Or at least those fun, FUN teenage years.

PS: If you are actually still considering doing this after several weeks with v15.0, I can send beta v18.0 on request.

He's enough to convince anyone to have a tubal.

A Lawyer Mom's Musings said...

Bravo. I would only add a few things: 1) when you extend your due date by 2 weeks, tell people that is your REAL due date so they'll stop bugging you about why you haven't had it yet; 2) keep the name you decide upon between you and your husband; don't tell another SOUL. Otherwise you'll just get a bunch of unsolicited criticism and suggestions.

Mommy Housewife said...

I agree with the lawyer mom's point about the name. With my first (Jasmine) i got, "but you're white" i'm like wth? and "but that's a disney princess" to which i explained to them that she was my favorite and i got the name from watching the tv show after work...and this was before i had kids. sad thing is, that's true. And with my second (Joey) i got "oh like a baby kangaroo" yes. such a common name and someone still says that crap? ok! whatever!

nicole said...

hahahahah! that's all i got, i'm drained ;)

Wendy said...

Oh, what a great letter!

The whole two weeks thing? I wish someone had done that for me. A dumbass California doctor sent me into a blind panic about how I was already dilated to a 2 and would probably give birth on the airplane during my move. An entire extended family nearly had a collective aneurysm over the worry.

Then I arrived in Oklahoma and my crusty 96-year-old OB/Gyn (the only doctor within 100 miles who would accept a 9-months-pregnant new patient) stuck two fingers violently up my hoo-haw while pushing so hard against my belly that I thought my baby would have brain damage & announced, "you have a month or so to go. No worries." What about the 2 cm??? What about...? To which he laughed his crusty laugh and said, "you aren't effaced even a tiny bit & the baby isn't in position. Go home and eat a cookie."

I didn't believe him. And so I sat around for 4 weeks thinking (trying to believe) I was in labor every ten minutes - and giving said extended family more & more wrinkles.

He was right. It was almost a month on-the-dot. And the day I was actually in labor? I got all the way to 4+ centimeters without noticing at all that the baby was practically between my knees - and my doctor made me go straight to the hospital from my appointment, where I had a baby shortly.

I was so blessed to be frantically trying to finish a college semester the first time around. I was praying for that baby to stay in just a little longer every single day in the hopes of making it to final exams still pregnant. It was a terrific distraction.