I'm gonna share because I want credit for doing something other than wiping asses and slamming baby feet in car doors. So here's one for the new parents to be out there...
Subject: (unsolicited) advice from someone you don't really know - get used to it
From: Amy Talley-Klotz
Date: October 13, 2009 3:56:45 PM PDT
Ann-Marie - Here. I wrote this for Amy. Might post it on the blog, but if you think her humor/current state of mind can handle my deranged humor and magnificent insight pass it on. You are being a great friend to her and that's like totally awesome.
I am a stranger, I think. I don't remember meeting you, but you know my sister very well and I totally know her so we are almost like acquaintances of some kind. Anyway, we both have vaginae and uteri, I used mine 3 times to grow big
Ann-Marie is worried about you. She's texting me for help on morning sickness and the likes and I'm totally glad to answer her/your questions but I felt compelled to write you a note because that's how I roll. Most of the time. Sometimes I don't answer the phone or the door or anything but sometimes I'm strangely free with my communication. Like right now.
Anyhow, what qualifies me? Well, I'm a recovering Type A with 3 kids. I had 1 c-section and 2 VBACs. That last term sounds scary, but really it just means I
You may just be freaking out and coming to terms with your
Did you hear me say that? That's a hard concept to contemplate as you are about to offer up your who-ha to the highway of life for the very first time. But believe me when I say...The actual birth is a mere millisecond in the whole scheme of things.
Once you get your brain wrapped around that remember this: Your body will do everything in its power to protect that baby from the
Also, when the due date looms, here's a little trick: circle a date a full 2 weeks out from whatever the Dr. tells you. Just do it. Convince yourself that is the date. Roll your eyes and ignore the Dr. when she says stuff like, "You're thinning out!" or "Your dilated to a 3!" It's all just a trick to give you
Oh and one more thing. The hospital and the Dr. absolutely do not, I repeat DO NOT want to kill you or harm you or the baby in any way. In fact they would really prefer if you remained a nameless number where nothing significant (that you can sue them for) happened in any way. Except the significance of the miracle of birth and all that, of course.
So what I'm saying is that in retrospect, if I had known everything I know now I would have spent more time hanging out with the worst babies in the whole world. I would have hunted down the colicy, puking, poo spewing, screaming infants and made myself hang out with them
All that said, buckle up, hold on and try your best to enjoy this ride. It's like a roller coaster from the Twilight Zone, never ending, strangely electrifying, terrifying and exciting all in one.
Write or call me anytime. Really. Or not, if you're scare of me now. I'll try hard not to stalk you because just writing this letter makes me want to do it all again. Oh the baby head smell...the warm snuggles...the first smile. Quick, someone smack me!
Good luck and get ready to kick some ass!!
P.S. I have 3 models you can try out if you like. All girls ages 2, 6, 10. I could FedEx any one or all 3 of them free of charge any time you'd like.
P.P.S. It's kind of weird to write a letter to Amy and sign it Amy. It's like writing a letter to myself. Which I mostly never do. Except when I need to remember something really important like when to pick up my kids from school, but I stopped doing that because CPS usually just drops them off for me. We have a system.