Tonight Was Great

Hubby is out of town this week. He left 4 days ago. Tonight I sent the kids to bed at 6:50pm because I couldn't stand the sound of their voices.

They were so confused, the poor little things. I said it with a smile and a wave. Ok kiddies, early bedtime.

But why mommy? It's soooo early!!!

Oh, I said with my most enchanting smile, I just can't handle your voices right now. Shoo now, I'll be in to kiss you night in like 6 minutes.

9 (almost 10) year old looked at me with a crystal clear WTF?! expression all over her face.

I rolled around on the couch with cuter-than-shit baby and zurberted her until I'm sure she peed her pants (thank goodness for diapers) and when I went in to kiss them goodnight....they were already asleep!!!

Hah!

So, what I meant to say was that I knew INSTINCTIVELY that my kids were feeling run down and needed some extra sleep. AND I can tell by how quickly they fell asleep a full hour before bedtime that indeed, I was right.

I'm the most tuned-in, kick-ass, nurturing mother out there. Oh yeah.

Why Not Have a Litter?!

I have had 3 children. No, I have BIRTHED 3 children. Well, that doesn't even sound like the monumental task it is to have a 10 pound baby cut out of you, then to squeeze 2 others out your vagina like a clot in the toothpaste tube. But as horrific, I mean, as beautiful of an experience as that was I am so taken back by this weird, freakish desire to DO IT AGAIN. WTF?!

I keep having these thoughts, in between the whole, I need a job, I need a job, what am I going to do with the rest of my life, where am I going, thing. These thoughts of oh wouldn't it be nice to have another baby? I can totally do it again. So cute. So cuddly. I'd totally do it without an epidural. (Give birth, not IT - I don't need an epidural for that yet.) And this is the thought that makes me KNOW I'm crazy:

It would be easy.

EASY?!! What part of carrying a blood sucking fiend for 10 months IN MY BODY and then staying awake for 3 more months to train it and then squirting body fluids EVERYWHERE FORFREAKINGEVER is easy?! What part of having 4 damn kids would ever be easy?! And with my luck I'd drop like 4 eggs and they'd all split and I'd have a whole litter to deal with.

I've come to the conclusion that I'm being driven by some animal, out of my control, hormonal, instinct thing. I must be. These thoughts are not logical. A lot like jumping out of a plane without training OR a parachute or asking your 9 (almost 10) year old to hold that nail for you. So therefore, I am going crazy.

I'm hoping this will pass. Will it? Please let it. Please.

Maybe I just need to call the vet now and make an appointment for myself.

New Parents and Crackheads

Let me fill you in on my general parenting philosophy. It goes like this:

If you care even a little bit you can't really fuckup.

WHAT?! What about all the people in therapy talking about how their parents horrifyingly messed them up this way or that? What about all the inmates who blame their criminal inclinations on early childhood trauma? What I'm saying is not that your kids won't complain or that you won't make a mistake here and there, but that if you care enough to actually click on a link like Parenting With Duct Tape and wonder what the hell someone would post there, you are already doing a good job. Really.

Look, crackheads raise kids. Some of those kids don't make it, some don't turn out half bad. Here I will tell you a little bit about myself and my history. You can run if you like or continue reading.

I was raised by an teenage/polygamist/criminal/drug-addicted/alcoholic/rat-bastard of a woman. I made it through infancy with this person-parent thing along with a brother 18 months younger than me (and later 3 others did the same). We were then passed between freakish foster care homes and sometimes freakier relative's homes. Then back to the Grandmother of said crackhead for 4 or 5 years where my brother stayed and I chose to give the speed-freak, crackhead another chance. That landed me back in foster care where eventually I found a nice family with their own brand of fuckupedness, but hey, they loved me. Still do. I think. And they got me through most of high school. They rock in their own lovingly messed up way.

Which brings me to my thesis. Look at the assholes and freaks that get all these babies through infancy. Really. LOOK AT THEM.

I am now living in an upper middle class suburb of L.A. and I see an abundance of New Parents act as if their precious little bundle will be rocked to the core and forever modified if they, for instance, eat something off the floor (come on 10 sec rule people!), or if the kid looks up and realizes they've been abandoned by mommy for half a goddamn second or if they aren't in the right gymboree class or wear the right clothes or have the right response to whatever. Enough already!

Here is my advice. Take a breath New Parents. BREATH. Really slowly. Take a step back and watch your new bundle grow and explore and get dirty and get the crap beat out of them by another toddler at the gym childcare or beat the crap out of an unsuspecting toddler themselves. Let yourself enjoy these years when you can call your baby a Little Shit for throwing their banana at you and I'm telling you, IT WON'T HARM THEM. Soon enough you will have to watch most of your words. But when they are new and you are new with them, cut yourself a break on your standards. Your love will shine through, no matter the brand or implementation. Believe me, your love is what it is all about.

Singing In The Rain

5 year old is so good about telling me all about her day. She bounds into the car, smiling, big dimples and all, and yammers and yammers about what she did and who she played with. To tell you the truth I don't even listen past the 2 min mark, but I do appreciate it.

Paying enough attention to throw in the odd comment or two I hear her describing to 9 (almost 10) year old all about the microphones that her and her friend Molly made today. They were rock stars! They danced and they sang and you know what?! Molly started singing a song that Lucy knew! Really, what song? Oh Mommy, she knew 'I kissed a girl and I liked it, taste of her cherry chapstick!'

I look at 9 (almost 10) year old, eyes wide. Her eyes are wide. We are careful not to laugh for fear it will encourage her or let her know the entertainment value of what she just did. Then she starts in on different renditions of the song that her and Molly did for EVERYONE on the playground, my favorite being 'I kissed a squirrel and I liked it, taste of her cherry chapstick.'

OMG. Maybe I should listen to radioDisney or maybe KISS or something. I am expecting a note from the teacher.

I Can't Remeber What Brought Me Here

I am insane. Lately. I keep walking circles around my house. For instance, I will replay the last 10 mins.

I want tea. I fill tea pot, put it on to boil, realize I haven't started the dishwasher, fill the dispenser thingy, water boils, so I reach over to turn it off, pour it into my tea maker thingy I got from Teavana (love it), stand there for a second, because it is only supposed to brew for 1 min, pick up a towel, think to myself that I should change the sheets to *hopefully* rid my kids beds of the germs they are *hopefully* god, or whoever, help me, getting over, go strip two beds, grab the towels from the bathrooms because they probably have germs too, dump it all on the floor in the laundry room, step to my computer, tweet, watch a video of Jenny, The Bloggess, forward it onto my sister because she snorted her muffin crumbs reading one of Jenny's posts the other day and my husband because he thinks it's funny I dissolve into hysterical laughter and tears when I read him her posts, think, it's quiet, oh, I forgot to turn ON the dishwasher, step over to do that and realize I left my $120 a pound (I don't buy it by the pound BTW) green tea brewing for like 10 min and now I can either drink something that will taste like lawn clippings or I can start this whole process over again.

Was that as painful for you as it was for me? Because I was really trying to get across how painful it has been for me to stay on task lately. Like throw me over hot coals because that is how painful it is, except that I would know how to solve that problem, GET OFF THE HOT COALS DUMMY. This problem, not so much.

Dating With 3 Children

Here is how it went down yesterday. Around 2pm. Me to husband, "Hey, did you still want to go out tonight?" Husband, "Yeah, sure." Me,"Ok, look up movie times and text Nina." Husband, "Ok."

Around 4pm, we are at a party for our friend's kid and I ask husband if Nina had gotten back to him. Husband hasn't gotten around to texting babysitter yet. Ok, what movie did you want to see? Husband replies that he doesn't know. WTF?! Do you WANT to go out?! I text Nina at 430pm to see if she can babysit at 530pm. Sure, she can. I ask husband, what would you like to do? I don't know, says husband.

We pick up the babysitter on the way home. We dump 3 kids and 14 year old off and tell them not to burn down the house and if a kid disappears to find a replacement. We get in the car and start driving. To where? We have no idea. To do what? We have no idea. We ate at the party, so dinner would be a waste. There isn't a movie we are willing to drop $21.00 to see. We end up at a coffee shop. We order, sit down and pull out our iPhones. I look up and think, really?! I put down my phone and stare at husband. Sooner or later he puts down his phone and stares at wife. We drink. We stare. Maybe we talked a little. About chickens or porn or both. I doze off a bit when he goes to hit the can. Let's just go. Whatever. We tried.

On the way out we pass a store I really like that is open at this late hour. Ha,ha. Big sign, 40% off clearance. I just want to pop in for a minute. The clerks are bored OUT OF THEIR MIND. One of them is trying on clothes and proceeds to ask us if her ass looks ok in these pants that are clearly giving her camel-toe like I've never seen before. I decide to try on some clothes. By the time I'm out of the dressing room husband is having a deep conversation about bands with the other 20-something clerk. I put my purchase on the counter, pay for it, listen to them for a few minutes, start browsing, have an uncomfortable conversation with the other clerk, browse some more. So on this date, where we can't hold a conversation, somehow husband is finding himself totally yakking it up with this young little thing. I want to butt in or something, but I feel so guilty for our lack of conversation that I just let it go.

We finally leave and wouldn't you know, just as we pull into our driveway we strike up an actual CONVERSATION. We spend the next HOUR AND A HALF sitting in our goddamn driveway talking. We could have totally done this on our own dime, in the house, while the kids were sleeping. WTF?! I'm telling you, I just don't get this whole dating thing.

The husband and I try to get out, without kids, on a somewhat infrequent basis. It's not like we are afraid to leave the little brats or that our whole stinking lives revolve around them, it seriously boils down to this: we have no idea what to do when we do get a babysitter. The whole thing is so contrived. What do I want to do when I have relinquished the care and feeding of my kidletts to anther person? Oh let me list the activities: write, sleep, organize something, read, run, hike - none of which can I involve my husband in, would he like to be involved in, or you can do at night, which is usually when the babysitter is available. But we go through these motions of arranging for a babysitter because, well, because we should?

Then there is the expense. These teenagers are asking $10-$15 an hour! WTF?! (When I was a kid I got $2 an hour $1 if the kids were sleeping.) So there is $50 for the babysitter at least. Dinner, you could keep it cheap, but why not go somewhere you would NEVER take 3 rabid monkeys? $50 for dinner. Wanna see a movie? That's $10.50 a head!! So right there you have $121.00 for a 4-5 hr night out with your spouse, who you love lots, but don't want to hang out with so much when the price tag is so high. $120! Do that twice a month and you have a $240 'date night' bill. No way.

This is what we have done. I let 11 and 12 year olds watch my kids. I get grief for this, but you know what? They are new to the business, eager to please and if I give them a 20 for the whole night they are STOKED. I try to pick the mature ones. Ha, ha. Maybe ones I've known for a while. I don't ask much, just feed the kids, clean up and shove them in bed around 7:30pm. Usually they get most of that done. We have also been skipping dinner. One because we probably ate already or two because we feel like fat bastards and gorging after 7pm does not alleviate that in the least. So that brings me back to what to do with this man, who I love dearly, have created this lovely family of future inmates with, have spent the last 16 years of my adult life with, well, okay, the only 16 years of my adult life since we met when I was a wee little teenager? What to do? Any ideas anyone?

What Control Issues?!

I want to share some things I cannot let go of no matter how illogical they may be. And yes, I'm doing my best to force my kids to comply with them all.

But what I want to know is what are your control issues? What do you hang on to in your life that really you could let go of and the world MIGHT not fall apart?

- Beds must be made everyday. If this does not happen I will probably feel REALLY off all day but never get around to making them thus resulting in a bit of yelling as I attempt to enforce this little compulsion of mine.

- There will be no laying around in PJs all day. I can't stand pajama day at the schools, but I suck it up and don't say a word as my kids sloth off to school in the clothes they slept in. Not a single word.

- I like schedules, ie: laundry, homework, cleaning. When I have schedules up it makes me feel calm. Like I know what should be done, even if I don't do it. I even write schedules up for my friends to use at their homes. They don't use them though.

- I like my drawers and cupboards organized even though you can't see them, but I LOVE my bookcases looking all messy and crammed with books.

- I won't tolerate entitlement. People with entitlement issues bug the living shit out of me. If I sniff even a little bit of entitlement coming off my kids guaranteed there will be a lecture and some glazed eyeballs staring back at me.

- I HATE the passive voice. I have been caught explaining to my 3 year old what the passive voice is and that WE don't use it. "It broke" will drive me through the roof.

- I bake, I feel happy. As much as I enjoy baking, I cannot bring myself to share this with my kids. What's wrong with me?! They ask, I let them try, I freak, I take over. I know I should involve them, but it KILLS ME.

- Please hang up the towels. I have a strong desire to scream when I see towels on the floor. Of course I suppress it most of the time.

- Floors must be clean. Dust can be an inch thick, but the goddamn floors have got to be clean.

I'll stop there because I'm starting to feel like a freak. Maybe if you all add some more I'll be able to continue.

Research Has Lead Us to Believe

I received one of my child's school newsletter the other day. I like to review these quickly as they can contain some timely and import information on occasion. There is usually a little letter from the school counselor with some tips on parenting. Hey, we could all use tips. So I'm reading this letter, which falls after the reprimand from the Asst. Principle about how we really shouldn't be hitting children with our vehicles during drop off and pickup, and I'm thinking, really?

This letter is entitled 'Increasing Your Child's Achievement.' The counselor talks a bit about how we need to convey to our children the importance of school and that the little things, like not letting them miss a day of school to go to Disneyland (not a good message apparently) are just as important as telling them flat out that school is their job. We need to check their homework every night because that sends the message that we care. Just attending conferences and looking at report cards is not enough. All this will also teach them that effort is important.

This is followed with a point 2 where she is worried about giving our kids the internal drive to preserver through all this hard work. This is where she starts in on the parents who praise a lot (see We Are All Whiners) and the ramifications of said praise. Hello! THEN she starts quoting "recent research." Research?! It took research to see that telling your kid they are the best all of the time could possibly have a negative impact on their ability to put effort into anything?! It took research to see that unearned praise will eventually be ignored and totally discounted?! It took research to understand that a kid who gets rewards for NOTHING will not have persistence?! Good grief!

I don't want to discount her advice. It is good advice. Try to praise specific things, like "Hey Junior, I like the way you take the time to flatten the duct tape before you put it across your sister's mouth." or "Oh Sally, I'm so impressed with the effort you put into disconnecting all the plumbing under the sink." And she advises to keep praise intermittent so they are on their toes never knowing what you will pat them on the head for. You know, praise, like vaseline or duct tape, is good and useful when applied correctly.

Let's just not get so far from where we need to be that we have to look for research to swing us back around to real life. It may just all boil down to one of my favorite mottos: Use your brain.

What 2008 and My Kids Taught Me

What the heck?! I started this thing, I need to write on it. Here's my excuse. My kids have been sick. For 3 weeks now. I've been sick for a week now. Lame, I know but I'll lay it out there. Those kids just suck almost every last ounce of umph out of me when they are sick. I didn't become a nurse for a reason. I suck at it.

I have been using my time to passively search the blogosphere and am really quite enjoying it. There are so many amazing blogs and oh the Mommy blogs. There are many. So I just want to say thanks for stopping by, you have a lot to choose from and well, thanks.

I've started a list of things I may have learned from or because of my kids during 2008. It was my sister's idea. She's cool like that.

1) Horses can laugh.
2) 5 year olds can reach in-human pitches when screaming, especially when they are in packs.
3) Children are so eager to forgive and forget. I was taught that over and over this year.
4) You really do have to say something 2,000 times before it clicks. But I did see it click a couple of times in the 9 year old - I swear.
5) Wide open spaces heal everything.
6) Teenagers really, really want to be treated like they have brains, but don't be fooled. Their brains are stuck on stupid and they will prove it to you every time you start to believe otherwise.
7) New friends are sometimes old friends really, really fast.
8) Change in perspective can come from unexpected things.
9) A little mud can go a long way.
10) Fun is in the eye of the beholder.
11) Girls like sling-shots too.
12) You can use goats to herd sheep. And children to herd the goats.
13) Dogs get stuck in the darndest places.
14) No matter how smelly you are, if you have fur, you will be loved.
15) Babies know how to love perfectly and in exactly the manner you need it.
16) Baking is awesome therapy for anyone involved.
17) Wearing your food is an important part of the developmental process.

What did you learn from your kid or kids or friend's kids or your dog or your cat or even your iguana?

Oh and Happy New Year!!