The Apology Letter

Oh, okay. Of course she does. She's a 1 year old and WAY cuter than you. It also helps that her head doesn't randomly spin a full 360 while spewing verses from the bible in a demonic voice. But hey, I'm so glad you know where you stand now, she who has slipped to the bottom of the totem pole.

Geesh.

Let's Rejoice!

Summer is over in 16 hrs. 16 hrs and the torture will end. I'm excited when it starts and I'm excited when it ends. By the end of 75 days of 24/7 kids I am done. Like the turkey whose just popped its temperature button thingy. Done, done, done. Put. A. Fork. In. Me.

They are just so ON TOP OF ME right now. Literally. How. HOW can they love me sooo much? I don't know, but I'm thinking I've had just about enough love to strangle a person to death.

I'm looking forward to the routine. The structure. To someone else taking the brunt of at least 1 of my kids for most of the week. I do feel that if I had the money I might ship them off to boarding school with a smile on my face. Imagine all the quiet. All the morning drama I'd avoid. Imagine how much I would loooooove them all summer long. Oh and the holidays would be so joyous and happy. The family reunited. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Right?

Anyway, enough of that far fetched day dream.

I just met this year's kindergarten teacher, she seems nice. Actually, she knows some really good friends of mine in the civilian world so I'm thinking it will be o.k. In a couple hours we will find out just how much drama the 5th grader will have. Whose the teacher? Who else is in the class? Whose flashing their cell phone, you know, the one that she will never in a million years get? Who cut their hair? And OMG, OMG, OMG...what else? I don't know. But I'm about to find out. And then I'm about to not freaking care one single bit. Uhm, hello. That's what the Yard Duty people are for, isn't it?

Happy back to school everyone!

Spare Change Anyone?

So I'm totally taking advantage of my kids playing nicely together knowing full well that if I don't send them in new directions soon there will be blood. I don't care. I'm willing to risk it and take the time for myself. What's 20 minutes for a pint of blood? A good deal I tell you.

Then I hear "Ha! You have been arrested for putting money in your diaper, you shall receive 20 days in jail!"

Then, "Wait, she's getting away! Cut her off!"

**hypersonic squeal**

"No, over there....YES!!"

"Throw her in the dungeon!"

At which point I may have heard my shower door slam shut. And then I hear a sort of wet slapping sound and a baby whaling at the top of her lungs. It's muffled though so they must have a) gagged her or b) also shut the bedroom door.

And of course I think to myself - ewwww, why is she putting money in her diaper? I draw the line at fishing coins out of poop. I'd rather have the kids clean out water fountains if I got that desperate.

Duct Tape Prom, Say What?

If you're looking for a quick $3,000 scholarship for your high schooler try the Stuck At Prom duct tape challenge.

These outfits are pretty cool. I can't wait to make one for 10 year old's first dance. I'm thinking fuchsia and purple. Oh yeah.

2009 1st place winners

I'm Serious. Mostly.

I get strange looks from people on a regular basis, so it's not like I'm sensitive or anything. Go ahead, throw me a look. See? Nothing. Doesn't bother me.

I was in the store trying to juggle 3 kids - 10 year old picking on 5 year old, 5 year old teasing baby, baby squealing in what I'm hoping passes as delight. I stop the cart because I CAN'T THINK and I say to 10 & 5 year old. "Really? Haven't I spent 10 years training you guys NOT to act like monkeys?" Blank looks. "O.K. look, if you go play in the freeway until I'm done I'll give you 5 bucks and I promise I'll pick you up on the way home this time."

What the lady in front of me didn't see was the eye rolling and head shaking. She turns and throws me as wilting of a look as she could muster and rushes away, presumably to file a report with CPS.

Commence 10 year old's response of brain damaging eye rolling and "Whatever." 5 year old's response is "Mom, you know that isn't safe. The cars are really big." Wherein I say, "Ok, how about the parking lot? It's not as exciting, but can still be a lot of fun." Looks. More of those looks. But this time coming from my own children.

You know, it's so sad to realize that your kids might be onto you. Apparently, I'm going to have to step up my game.

Consitant Consistancey Constantly

I often wonder who the hell qualified me for this job? I mean, come on, I had no formal training and the role models I had make Mommy Dearest look good. But I'm here and somehow I keep popping out kids like there's nothing to it. Yee haw!

I have taken a parenting classes class or two in the interest of, you know, learning more about my profession. I thought I'd share the one thing I keep hearing:

Be. Consistent.

I can do that. I can totally do consistent. I'm consistent with my sarcasm. I'm consistent with my creative discipline. I'm nothing if not consistent with my neuroses. Phew. Something I can handle straight out.

So new parents - listen up! Heed this advice. Be consistent. Like if you said you don't want them juggling knives then don't change your mind an hour later or even when they are 10 and start to think they know everything. Oh, oh and like when your baby cries for candy and you are like totally denying her because that's what a good parent, who has to face a totally judging dental hygienist, would do, don't suddenly pop a piece of taffy in her mouth because you can't stand the screeching anymore. Also because then she might get it in her hair and no, peanut butter doesn't get out taffy, that's for bubble gum apparently.